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2015 Power Rankings-Playoffs 3
Introduction Welcome to Champions Week in the LOC. Coming off some wild semifinals matchups our field has been narrowed down to two. Congrats to GaroppoblowMe and The Shotti Bunch! What do you mean I lost? I can’t lose. I’m a winner! This team is a winner! Starter team, this team is a finisher team! Jared is in Australia, how is that even legal? Okay, fine. Congrats to ma ma momma said and The Shotti Bunch. The battle of the Best vs. the Bottom results in the perennial powerhouses returning to the big game. This is Shotti’s second Championship Game in four years and MMMS’s record-breaking third in five years. As much as I want to puke all over myself in disgust, I will stay strong and try to get through these rankings, with special Presidential Candidate theme! How the Wars were Won TEAM MANBEARPIG vs. Paddock 9 This matchup was about as predictable as the ending to Harry Potter. Happily ever after, huh? Very original. * Brock and Roll - The first among many head scratchers in this week’s matchups: Why in the world would you start a rookie QB against one of the top scoring defenses in the entire league? Why, when you could have started Brock against the worst scoring defense in the entire league? You sort of get what you deserve when you make decisions like that. * TMBP’s favorite color is Brown - Antonio Brown and Big Bad Benny continue to be the best WR/QB hookup in the league. They combined for 97.28 this week. That’s more than Paddock 9’s starting Def, Kicker, QB, top WR and top RB combined. Puke. * Lockett Up - Siver lining for Paddock 9 is Lockett was a great find and will certainly be a WR to watch in 2016. Reign Maker vs. Fire Goodell In the second battle of the Hot vs. the Not, Hot once again won the day. This matchup was about as predictable as the ending to TEAM MANBEARPIG vs. Paddock 9. * When it Reigns, it Pours - Sad, dark days for Reign Maker. This season has knocked Reign Maker from the upper echelon of LOC franchises. They got over 200 only five times all season. * Watkins, Watkins we got Watkins here! - That’s a pretty obscure Jurassic Park reference that I’m sure only Patrick gets. Sammy Watkins was once again the big difference maker, breaking 30 for the third time in four games. * Where there’s a will, there’s a Woodhead - There was a glimmer of hope for Reign Maker in the late stages of the matchup, when the Great Woodhead decided to be great again and accumulated four freaking touchdowns for Rivers and the Chargers. * Better than Expected, Still not Good Enough - Five of Reign Maker’s started played better than expected, but it just wasn’t enough. Seven of Fire Goodell’s starters beat their projections and an eighth matched their projection, but that projection was 0 (Vincent Jackson). For Reign Maker, David Carr was average, and Carolina’s defense imploded. By the way, thanks a lot for that. You fucked me, Carolina. You fucked me! Papa’s Posse vs. Deez Sons of Bitchez If you’re Papa’s Posse, you probably don’t want to look at your bench. For Dee, they redeem themselves in the final moments of the season and come away with a much needed morale boosting win to hold them over until next season. This is the second time they've beaten Papa's Posse in the post-season, the only two victories the franchise has against the 2011 champ. * Dee vs. D - What this came down to, like mostly every matchup for Papa’s Posse, was the Defense. And they chose wrong, once again. If they had started Green Bay, they would have walked away victorious. Unfortunately, they picked the logical choice and got screwed. Meanwhile, Dee’s D picked up 41 points. * Sproles Roll Comes to a Close - Well isn’t that just poetic. Dee, a born hater of Darren Sproles, wants him dead in a ditch with his guts leaking out, finally gets her way this week. Sproles was a major letdown, the worst RB of the entire matchup. He did, however, make the probowl. Just saying. * Megatron? More like Megabum - I’m running out of clever puns. Calvin Johnson has been a major disappointment for Papa’s Posse, as Golden Tate has picked up all the touches for the Lions in the last two weeks. GaroppoblowMe vs. ma ma momma said In 2012, GBM made it all the way to the Championship Game only to lose to MMMS by 188.84 points. This year, they lose by 107.34. Getting better! * Austin, We Have a Problem - The tone was set Thursday Night, when GBM opted to stick with the lineup that had produced during the bye week instead of subbing in Tavon Austin against a weak TB defense. On the bench, Austin gouged the Bucs to the tune of 24.10 fantasy points. Nothing tremendous, but a sure sign that things might not be going the right way. * Oh, Nice of you to Join us - Several players who had been notably absent for weeks, months even, decided to show up for MMMS this week. Among them, Freeman. Freeman hadn’t really done anything since the start of November. But he did something this week! Dez had scored just two touchdowns all season, and one of them had gone against GBM in week 9. So of course he’d get his 3rd this week. How about Reed going over 30 for just the third time? Manning over 40 for back to back weeks for the first time all season? How about...oh fuck it, you get the point. * Beckham is a little Bitch - By the time the 1pm games were coming to a close, one thing was clear: if ODJ could stay quiet, GBM still had a chance. And of course, he couldn’t. Bad enough he was spearing opponents, but then he goes and spears GBM’s season right in the heart. The late TD put the game away for momma, but of course wasn’t enough to ruin Carolina’s perfect season. So it was worthless. * Baldwin? more like Baldlose - Silver lining for GBM? Doug fucking Baldwin. 10 touchdowns in the last four games. No, that is not a typo. He more than made up for the absence of Julian Edelman. But that didn’t help Brady’s stats, who still struggles to put up the monster fantasy numbers he had in the early goings. ' ' The Shotti Bunch vs. FreeOJ If the MMMS vs. GBM rivalry wasn’t enough, we had this other bitter rivalry going on in the other Champions Bracket game. And the outcome was pretty much the same. * Dude, What are you Doing? - The Colts have not had a 100-yard rusher since 2012. So why would you start Frank Gore over Darren McFadden, who has gone over 100 yards five times in nine weeks? Why would you start Denver defense against the best passing attack in football over the Jets defense against a team with no QB or soul? * There has been an Awakening - Cam Newton has emerged as the year’s best fantasy QB, and FreeOJ got a real taste of the full power of the dark side this week. 440 total yards, five passing touchdowns, and one punch right in the face of FreeOJ’s hopes and dreams. * I’m Sorry Ms. Jackson - One surprise this week was DeSean Jackson, whose long TD reception helped seal the deal early. * All that Glitters is not Golden Tate - The game was still within reach Monday night, and Golden Tate fought hard to bring FreeOJ back. However, Hightower was able to produce just enough for TSB to keep the game in their hands. Margin of victory: 18.92. Total points left on the bench for FreeOJ: 134.35. The Rankings Championship Game 1. The Shotti Bunch Shotti has the upper hand in this matchup if for no other reason than the suspension of Beckham jr. Granted, MMMS can attack from anywhere, but this is a huge loss for both the WR core and QB1. Shotti comes in at full strength. Your Presidential Candidate - Marco Rubio. Who? I know we say this every year, but The Shotti Bunch is a late bloomer. Early on you don't really know if they are going to suck or excel (hint: it's always excel) but then they come on strong towards the finish. Rubio might not have what it takes to win it all but he is putting up a good fight and making his presence known. ' ' 2. ma ma momma said After their bone-crushing victory over GBM, they take on The Shotti Bunch for the third time this season. 1-1 already, they have had that team’s number for years. Can they lose two in a row to the team that they’ve bested since 2012? ' ' Your Presidential Candidate: Senator Ted Cruz. This team has Cruz’ed all the way to the Championship game and according to polls (Yahoo projections) is a favorite to win it all. If their skills as a master debater doesn’t get you, they will suck your blood and leave you for dead with their Jew powers. Of course, what is a run without a controversy? Just like Cruz wasn’t born in America (seriously, how is that not a bigger point of contention?), MMMS ownership is currently managing from Australia, outside the jurisdiction of the LOC. Is that allowable? Is their championship run tainted? Does making love to Kangaroos give them special abilities that they use to manipulate scoring in their favor? They’re the top scoring team in the playoffs this year. Coincidence? ' ' Third Place Game ' ' 3. FreeOJ So another year, another semifinals loss. That makes three for FOJ in five seasons. Par for the course. A promising season, FOJ’s habit of out-thinking themselves and mucking up their lineup once again comes back to bite them. But let’s give FOJ some credit. They put up the third highest post-season point total by a losing team in LOC history. That’s good enough for the tenth highest score by a losing team post-season and regular season combined. At the very least, they can finish in third place and tie their best finish in LOC history. ' ' Your Presidential Candidate - Loud and full of false promises, FOJ’s team is most like Donald Trump. You want to build a championship team, but where are you getting the talent? You want to shut out all non-ballers. But how are you going to get around the constitutional rights of the Frank Gores of the league? You might have been an outspoken favorite, but in the end you fizzled out and couldn’t follow through on all the talk. ' ' 4. GaroppoblowMe So another year, another blowout loss. Much like FOJ, there was so much promise for this team. Ultimately, they did the opposite of FOJ. They played too conservatively. So afraid of making the wrong choice for the flex spots, they made no choices at all. That probably didn’t matter, as their opponent once again had the game of his season when it counted the most. But still, a sad ending to a good year. ' ' Your Presidential Candidate - Larry David’s version of Bernie Sanders. “WE’RE DOOMED! Everything is terrible! Why do they tie down the pens at the BANK! Who is stealin’ all the pens!” Senile, constantly worried about how terrible everything is, and ultimately just not strong enough to take down a woman in suit pants. ' ' The Bye Week ' ' 5. Deez Sons of Bitchez Redemption!!!! Congratulations on your best finish so far in the LOC. This is the best finish for a chick, so hold your head up high. It’s also the second time you’ve beaten Papa’s Posse in the post-season. I sense a rivalry brewing. Their win also gets them 7th lowest post-season score by a winning team in LOC history. ' ' The team really went downhill after a victory against GBM early in the year, with production at every position going way down. If the guys had stayed in early season form, who knows how high this team could have climbed. What this says to me is their drafting has improved and they could be a big threat in 2016. ' ' Your Presidential Candidate - Hillary Clinton It’s the woman candidate, what did you expect? Sure Clinton got smashed by Obama in 2008, but that was so two elections ago. Next year, 2016, that is the year for you. Clinton might be full of shit, but she’s married to a certified G. Married to fantasy royalty = royalty. Just being real. ' ' 6. Papa’s Posse Next year, look for Papa’s Posse to take a defense with their first pick. Then, in the second round, take Darren Sproles. Then a defense again in the third. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. ' ' Your Presidential Candidate - Ben Carson. Really smart guy but sometimes he just can’t get it right. For example, that painting of him and Jesus. you really shouldn’t have a painting of yourself with Jason Witten hanging in your living room. It’s just creepy. Draft choices this year came back to really haunt them later in the race. ' ' The Consolation Games ' ' 7. TEAM MANBEARPIG Really strong showing from them once again this week. The team’s early success was stunted with the injury to Big Ben, but I’m sure I’ve said before that if he had stayed healthy this team could have been a potent playoff team. They are 3-0 all time against Paddock 9. Not a bad start to the franchise. ' ' Your Presidential Candidate - Chris Christie. One of my favorite TMBP moments from this season came late last week, when in the middle of dinner, team ownership looked up at me with a shocked look on his face and exclaimed “wait, my team is still playing?” They then proceeded to blow Paddock 9 to pieces. Christie got relegated to the B-team debate but was bumped back up and managed to do some damage. Like TMBP, Christie might not win it all, but he certainly did some damage while he could. Just ask New Jersey commuters or Paddock 9. ' ' 8. Fire Goodell The Fantasy Gods are so pleased right now, I’m scared out of my mind for what next season has in store for this team. If they can win this week they control the destiny of themselves and three other teams in the 2016 draft. They'll have to do it without one of their biggest threats, LeSean McCoy. Your presidential Candidate - Carly Fiorini. You might not be the best, but you put up a good fight. You’re sort of the gnat buzzing around everyone’s heads. You managed to ruin the campaigns of several teams late in the season and now you’re making a run at king of the Consolation Tournament. Or Queen, I guess. ' ' 9. Reign Maker Terrible season. Just terrible. Your Presidential Candidate - Mike Huckabee. Your team is soft as hell. Like Huckabee, your values are all screwed up and you’ve been demoted to the B-team of candidates. No one really cares that you exist anymore and you basically get to stick around because you haven’t dropped out yet. In order for you to be around come the next campaign you’ll have to just try not to die. ' ' 10. Paddock 9 Speaking of terrible. TMBP is just one of seven teams that Paddock 9 has never been able to beat. Your Presidential Candidate - Jeb Bush - Bush has that look on his face every week of not wanting to be here anymore. He is pathetic. A loser. Just ask Trump. He shows up every week only to find that his podium has been moved further down the stage, and he sets his lineup gingerly before being stuffed into a locker by his opponents. Maybe he is living in the shadows of his former teams. Like Bush, his previous teams (brother) weren't very fucking good either.